Day 7 - TV — Jamie L. Rotante

“Prompt 1: Write a play where the main character is non-human.”

CHARACTERS

MAN. Late 40s. Unemployed. Permanent 5 o’clock shadow. Beer gut that makes him look pregnant.

WOMAN. Early 30s. Recently married, trying to be pregnant. Stay-at-home devoted wife to a less-than-caring, not-so-devoted husband.

COUPLE. Early 70s. MAGA hats permanently affixed to their heads. Quayle stickers still barely hanging onto life on their cars (though we won’t see those, still seems like an important fact to know). Both sit on a couch that’s lived long past it’s expiration date.

TV. Ageless. Genderless. Sees all. Hears all. Knows all. Judges you.

SCENE I

A bare living room save for a lamp and a window with a broken set of blinds hung haphazardly from it at night. MAN sits in his boxers on a worn out leather recliner chair, his hairy beer belly poking out from under his stained under shirt. He shovels chips and beer into his mouth as he stares at the TV, mouth agape, every now and then coughing on a stray popcorn kernel or Goober if something on the TV strikes his fancy.

He raises the remote, which is missing a number of useful buttons, and intensely slams his finger into the "up" button to change the channel. He stops briefly to watch an ANIMAL PLANET before finding his way to CINEMAX. He stops, tucks his hand into the waistline of his boxers and stares at the TV.

Ugh. Could you be more predictable?

MAN

Huh?

Is this really enjoyable for you? Watching women get next to naked in a softcore fantasy that I doubt any reasonable person would enjoy?

MAN

Sh-shelly?

Yes, it's Shelly. Your ex-wife that left you two years ago and moved across the country. Surprise! I've been living in your den this entire time and you didn't notice!

Oh, man, if I had eyes I'd be rolling them so hard right now.

MAN scratches his head and looks around nervously.

Look at your remote.

MAN looks down at his beaten up remote control.

Of the buttons that actually still work--you animal--try pressing 13. Now that's the "1" followed by the "3".

MAN follows the TV's commands.

Look at that! This, and follow me closely here, is what's known as "PBS." The Public Broadcasting Service. You might learn something--anything--from watching this channel.

This is One On One with Steve Adubato. He conducts interviews with people of note. This is what you might call "enriching entertainment."

MAN

Looks boring as shit.

MAN presses numbers on his remote again, landing on the CINEMAX channel once more.

NO!

The TV returns to PBS. MAN angrily returns it to CINEMAX.

Aren't you tired of doing nothing and pining over women you can't have?

MAN

Leave me alone!

They continue switching between the two channels.

But maybe if you learn something new you'll actually be INSPIRED. Go back to school. Change your career. Get a better job. It's not too late.

MAN

Yes it is!

Shelly might even take you back!

The TV settles once more on PBS and MAN lets the remote fall to his side. He softens his tone.

MAN

Really? You think so?

Isn't it worth a shot?

MAN settles on watching PBS. Only a few minutes into the program he falls asleep in his chair, drooling, snoring loudly.

Then again why would she want to get back with a guy who talks to his TV?

The TV goes black.

SCENE 2

A bright, homey-looking living room with the TV mounted over a fireplace. There are family pictures on shelves and hand-lettered signs that say "LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE" and other signs about families and marriage. WOMAN sits on her couch, fully dressed with her hair and makeup done, watching Dr. Phil on the TV. When Dr. Phil ends she puts on a reality show on TLC while she does some chores around the living room--dusting, fluffing the pillows, etc--though the room already looks immaculate. The TV speaks while she is fluffing a decorative throw pillow.

How do you stand this crap?

At first, the WOMAN does not notice, thinking instead it is one of the characters talking on the TV.

Hello? Are you listening?

The TV turns off and the WOMAN directs her attention to it.

NOW you'll listen.

The WOMAN jumps and screams, dropping her pillow in the process. The TV turns back on to the bad reality show.

WOMAN

Who are you??

Let's not worry about that just yet. I have to ask YOU something first.

WOMAN

I must be losing my mind...

Sweetie, that's for another day. But back to my question: you're dressed up so nicely. What are you doing at home, watching trashy television? It's early! You should be going out with some girlfriends for brunch or heading to a coffee shop with a good book.

Or, you know, going out and finding a job…

The WOMAN picks up the pillow and hugs it to her chest as she slowly sits down on the couch.

WOMAN

We’re focusing on Will’s career first…

Riiiiighhht. So that means you have to watch complete garbage when he’s not here? Or does it make you feel better to watch people with problems? Do you feel superior to these “reality” cretins, all the while it’s eating you up inside that you’re stuck at home all day, serving your husband’s every desire, putting yourself on the back-burner for--what? To prove that he’s not as bad as everyone always said he was? To prove that your relationship will last even when others rightfully didn’t think so?

When’s the last time you’ve done anything for yourself?

woman
tv

WOMAN

It’s good background noise for when I clean.

And your house looks lovely, darling.

WOMAN

Thank you.

Now, just as a dare, why don’t you try NOT vacuuming today?

The WOMAN drops her pillow and looks at the TV in horror.

WOMAN

But all the lint and dust particles.

And then--now here’s where we really get crazy--why don’t you skip cooking tonight? Order a pizza… live a little!

WOMAN

Will’s expecting pot roast.

Will’s probably .5 seconds from sticking his tongue in the ear of the new receptionist they just hired at his job.

WOMAN

Don’t- -

Come on, it’s just pizza! It’s not like I’m asking you to pack up and leave in the middle of the night.

Not yet, at least.

WOMAN

But, tonight, we’re supposed to…

Supposed to what?

WOMAN

You know, try…

tv
woman

Oh, brother. Again? Do you even enjoy it anymore?

WOMAN

It’s not about that.

Well it should be.

WOMAN

This is all so absurd--I’m talking to my TV. My TV is talking to ME. I’m imagining things. That’s the only explanation. My hormones must be all out of whack.

WOMAN

I’m going to get a glass of water.

WOMAN stands as if to leave.

Wait!

WOMAN stops in her tracks and looks back at the TV.

Just, before you leave--answer me one question: what is Will going to do as soon as he gets home today?

WOMAN pauses, thinking.

WOMAN

I suppose what he always does.

And what’s that?

WOMAN

Come home, take off his work boots and leave them right on the freshly vacuumed carpet, kick his stinky feet up and put them on my newly waxed coffee table, probably knock over my afternoon coffee in the process--which he’ll chide me for--then put YOU on and stare at YOU for most of the night, ignoring anything I have to say until he decides it’s time to go to bed.

tv
woman

Hey.

WOMAN

Yes?

Don’t vacuum.

WOMAN

I’m not going to.

And what are you making for dinner?

WOMAN

I’m ordering a pizza--with the toppings I like.

And then what?

WOMAN

I’m meeting up with some girlfriends for a drink.

WOMAN

...after I cancel our cable.

Ouch. But, worth it.

WOMAN turns off the TV and ruffles up the pillows on the couch so they’re not perfectly in place before exiting the living room.

SCENE III

It’s early morning in a living room that looks like it hasn’t been updated since the late 1960s. An elderly COUPLE (OLD MAN and OLD WOMAN) sits on a small, stiff-looking plaid couch very close to the TV. They both wear sweatshirts and red MAGA hats. Both are cradling guns in their laps, stroking them as if they were cats. The TV shines brightly on their faces. On the TV we can see they are watching FOX News. The OLD MAN raises his fists in the air angrily as he speaks.

OLD MAN

These illegals think they can just take over this country. It’s a damn shame what that Obama did to us.

OLD WOMAN

You’re damn right.

OLD MAN

They’re all a bunch of pedophiles, too. Disgusting.

OLD WOMAN

Thank God we’ve got the REAL news to tell us what’s actually going on in OUR country.

The screen turns to static. The TV speaks but in a different tone than before, almost as if it is an automated response reading a message.

“The channel you are trying to watch is out of service. Please contact your cable provider for more info.”

The OLD MAN slams his fists on his knees angrily.

OLD MAN

WHAT THE HELL?

OLD WOMAN

CALL THOSE ASSHOLES UP AND TELL THEM WHAT’S WHAT!

The OLD MAN shuffles his hands around in his pockets until he produces a clunky, oversized flip phone. He holds it to his ear and yells into it.

OLD MAN

YES PUT ME THROUGH TO WHOEVER’S IN CHARGE OF FOX NEWS.

OLD MAN

I SAID FOX NEWS WHOEVER’S IN CHARGE PUT ME THROUGH.

OLD WOMAN

What’s going on?

The OLD MAN yells, neither at his wife nor into the phone.

OLD MAN

WHAT COUNTRY IS THIS? DOESN’T ANYONE UNDERSTAND ENGLISH ANYMORE?

I know for a fact that the call center representative you’re speaking to was born and raised in Hoboken New Jersey to a family of English-speaking Anglos who have lived in this country for centuries upon centuries. Perhaps it’s not that others don’t comprehend our language but that, in fact, YOU do not make much sense.

The OLD MAN directs his ire at the OLD WOMAN.

OLD MAN

THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?

OLD WOMAN

I DIDN’T SAY SHIT, YOU OLD BIRD.

OLD MAN

THEN WHO DID?

Oh, that was me.

While I’d love to watch you two battle it out in an Abbott and Costello-style comedy act, I also don’t think it would help anything that much. So hello, I’m your TV. And I’m talking to you.

OLD WOMAN

Did our idiot son buy us one of those damn smart TVs without telling us?

No, but thank you for calling me “smart”!

The OLD MAN yells his directions at the TV, neither becoming too alarmed that their TV set is talking to them.

OLD MAN

PUT FOX NEWS BACK ON.

I’m afraid I can’t do that.

OLD WOMAN

WHY NOT?

It’s not good for your health.

OLD MAN

That’s it, I’m calling the senator.

To complain about your TV? Could you BE more of a stereotype?

OLD MAN

A stereo-huh?

Don’t be so confused. It’s an English word.

old man
old woman

The OLD WOMAN swats her arms up and down at her side.

OLD WOMAN

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

Ok, ok, calm down. I’ve noticed that every time you watch this channel, your heart rate increases significantly, as does your blood pressure. You both have histories of heart disease in your family and, at your advanced age, rapid increases in both could be incredibly detrimental to your health. Maybe it’s best to watch less of this “news” and turn into something more… soothing. Maybe the classical music channel? You know if you can get your son to hook up Netflix you can watch Bob Ross at any time.

OLD MAN

I ain’t watching no pansy painter.

OLD WOMAN

Who gave you our medical records? This is why we can’t have universal healthcare!

I--I’m not going to respond to either of those things.

The OLD MAN and OLD WOMAN both get more worked up.

OLD MAN

SHUT THE HELL UP AND GIVE US BACK OUR NEWS.

OLD WOMAN

WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE WORLD.

*sigh* Fine. I see that I can’t change your mind. But on one condition: I’ll let you watch--ugh--this for ten more minutes. Then promise me you’ll both take a break. Talk to one another without arguing. Maybe knit or read a good book?

tv
old man
old woman

OLD MAN

SHUT UP YOU SNOWFLAKE.

OLD WOMAN

CUCK!

FINE.

The TV turns off completely. The OLD MAN slams his fingers on the remote but it will not turn back on. The OLD WOMAN tries to pry it out of his hand and the two get into a physical altercation. The OLD MAN stands up and points his GUN at the TV. The OLD WOMAN follows suit.

OLD MAN

ENOUGH! I’m sick of these damn liberals forcing their stupid new technology on us.

The COUPLE point their guns at the TV and fire. Instead of impact, comical “BANG” flags come out from their guns. However, the TV explodes as if it were shot. The COUPLE stare at their guns in confusion.

From behind them an OLD RADIO sitting on a shelf crackles as it turns itself on. It starts playing classical music. Through the music we can hear a voice.

RADIO

Hello. Remember me? I’m your radio. You just made a terrible mistake…

END.

I'm a day late--but only because I fell asleep before I got the chance to finish/post it last night! I decided going to bed before 3 AM might be better for me than staying up just to finish--so sue me! This week things are getting pretty crazy (not in a bad way!) so I may fall off here and there. Trying my best not to, but it'll all depend on how much I stack onto my plate each night. I'm also struggling with coming up with a concept for tonight's prompt. Stay tuned to see what happens!